Have a craving — so I’m writing. Things are going really well, so this is likely a euphoria/happy craving (“Life is going great — why not make it better by adding a bet???”). Blind euphoria (or natural hubris perhaps that brain gets hooked on).
I remember in the past sometimes feeling feelings of “I’m tough enough to hold out through this” and my ego/endurance of pain would kick in … this whole idea of “i’m tough enough” to gamble … so foolish. Yet worth divulging because it is an emotional trigger I haven’t written about yet.
Part of wants to be a hero in this fallen world … and enduring pain and loss or the idea of striving as a hero gets twisted up in a gambling urge … it becomes drained into it … so instead of enduring through the urges and being a hero by not gambling, i would go so far to get hooked into large gains or losses and be “plowing” or heroing/”forcing” my way through conditions I shouldn’t have been. Not letting go until I felt forced to or sheer exhaustion
Persistence and courage are beautiful things … when applied to write contexts. I think addictions have a tendency of taking otherwise virtuous parts of us and twisting them into getting drained into wasteful things …
As usual I feel hesitation … cravings tend to drain away a need to spend money or to save/tuck it away else where … the temptation is to keep holding on … yet so much hesitation created in simply buying something else/doing something nicer with the money …
I’m getting used to moving and re-routing the urge to flip the money onto a bet and taking it back into my account … for today I’ll keep it back and either make another payment toward student loan or buy something practically useful with it. Like business advertising, cooking ingredients etc.
Let’s keep going!