Dear diary,
As I do a short reflection, I notice the recent temptation I had was due to the stress
Stress not from my the addictions or debts, this part was either manageable or a history,
It was stress from the additional work load or burden at work and the responsibility of looking after my elderly mother.
Why do I habitually risk complicating matter by gambling?
Why do I want to add more problem to the one I already have now?
On paper, it just does not made sense, I have lost my common sense, my thoughts is clearly distorted.
What have change during this time?
My situation has improves a lot now and not troubled by the debts and my addictions.
I still attend the same activities to keep myself safe.
What I don’t understand about myself was….
If I am in deep troubles, I knew only strong faith and trust in God can pull me out. The heavy burden and constant pain remind me to look to God for relief.
My situation has improves, some burden and pain are not there anymore now, so the constant reminder and hunger to look to God was taken away now.
Slowly my mind loses its focus, I start to listen to my thoughts and its plan,
I start to look at my feelings, and its anxiety and fear,
I start to seriously look at my desire to fix / correct it immediately and carry out my own will,
I have now notice that the constant pain from the suffering has actually help me kept in constant focus on God.
However, it is becoming a new challenge for me now, the 12 steps recovery programme call this complacent,
I also remember the common saying among friends in GA,AA and NA, that EGO also stands for Edge God Out.
back to the drawing board, I will work harder!