i am just sat waiting for daylight then i am going to take the dog into the peak district for a couple of hours, fresh air and clarity and to reflect on this year coming to a close. i am then going to treat myself to a seasonal £3.60 costa latte which i have been looking forward to all week, i can appreciate something so small with incredible gratitude these days.
I have worked so hard since September and my wages have significantly increased that £3.60 wouldn’t even be a treat to someone else but it is to me, i am learning a lot more respect for money and it’s value and i am quite nervous as to how i am going to handle it when the overtime stops which i think it will do after Christmas and my wages drop significantly.
everything i have earnt over the last 3 months has gone into paying off the last 6 months of gambling( i still have debt management plans in place for the years gone by ) and i have just paid the last of the payday loans , car maintenance and christmas which i am extremely grateful for but the real test will kick in when it drops.
i have been getting hounded daily from paypal to bring my balance up to zero as i owed them money too, they are ruthless as i was making payments when i could but then they would phone up the next day hounding me for another payment. i woke up this morning and saw an email off them threatening me and i have managed to get a couple of hundred into my savings account which i obsess about as a CG never has savings so it feels nice, however i decided to use that to pay my account off so i can go into the new year without the daily calls. i just hope for more overtime next year, i am becoming addicted to working. (glad my therapist isn’t reading this). i still get that thought to gamble to make the money up but i won’t because yes i might win but if i don’t i will just be wishing that i had used the money to pay the debt in the first place.
it is terrifying to know that i could undo all the hard work over the last few months in one day, that is how powerful and destructive gambling is but i have the choice not to let that happen.
another good thing this week, i have started reading again, i haven’t been able to focus on a book constantly for years, it usually takes me 8 months to finish one but i am zipping through this one so that makes me happy.
i hope everyone can get something from the holidays, i know it can be hard for so many but it never seizes to amaze me that despite everyone’s battles and inner struggles, people unite on here to help each other through. if you need to have an active conversation with someone gamcare do an online chat where you can just type away and get a response, i know not everyone favour them (for me they were great) but they are there to help.
stay safe and gamble free