Dear diary,
It is good for me to do a reality check and see where I stand now.
The truth is strange and scary.
In such a short time, I found myself losing the confident I had before
Its been 7 months since 5th Feb 2015 when I was able to do what I have not been able to do in the past by the grace of God.
The picture is so clear for me to see, now that I have taken back the control, I do not have the same confident that I could achieve what I did in the last 7 months in the coming few.
Going back to old ways only made me irresponsible and bad at financial obligations. I knew and I am very aware that I am so capable of squandering every cents I earn in many ways, the chief one was gambling. That was the old me and I am predictable in these ways.
I have experience the benefits of giving up my self-will, the discomfort of denying my desires and my plans and follow Christ. I can see how much good was given to me and felt so much joy, contentment and satisfaction by the grace of God.
What a world of difference I felt now after I start to feed my flesh, and do what I want.
Suddenly I cannot see the hopeful future and was no more confident that I will surely do all the same responsible things for the last remaining 4 months of the year.
Mental relapse have set in, my thoughts and feelings have change. If I did not do anything, my thoughts may turn into actions and I need God to help me now.
I have a choice and a decision to made.
It is either I continue to do my will or follow God’s will.
I am human, even at this moment when I put my thoughts into writing
I would like to follow God’s will and also do my will at the same time
but I read God’s word that I can only serve one master