Hello V
The boys ! not really sure where to start. It’s been hard – doesn’t do it justice. They watched their dad slowly kill himself for 13 years, finally watched him pass away after his liver failed and he bled from everywhere possible in an agonizing death.
I had taken him to the hospital as he’d become very unwell, vomiting blood etc. It was over and done with within 48 hours. He was telling the boys he would never drink again, I have no idea whether he meant it but remain doubtful, but my opinion is now irrelevant.
I watched them at his funeral, standing there doing their best not to cry, I was so proud of them but the pain was evident on their faces. The support from everyone was tremendous but it goes away. Youngest turned to drugs, middle flunked his second year at uni, now repeating it.
There is life after something like that , but its a tough up hill struggle and it’s a fight worth having or history can repeat and it does repeat and not necessarily with the same addiction.
The times that I thought I had ‘it so well ‘hidden’ or had got my children out of both the alcoholism and later the gambling addiction, have bitten me on the backside. These things can not be hidden and only serve to provide a distorted view to them. Do I regret letting things continue for as long as I did? absolutely, was I naive to think they wouldn’t be affected – absolutely ! But I’ve finished beating myself up and i’ve taken responsibility for my part
Things are thankfully moving forward, all be it slowly and in baby steps. Boys are now accepting that none of this was there responsibility and they did every thing they could for their dad, like all of us they probably did too much, but it carried them through – they were exceptionaly loyal and could not of done more for him.
Don’t think they will ever truly understand why alcohol or gambling becomes the priority in someones life or why someone would choose their own addiction over them – but as we know – sometimes there is just no logic to any of it.
We’re going forward now and things are getting easier but still hard if that makes sense ? accepting the illogical and often unexplainable is a difficult thing to do but not impossible.
Maybe I was also meant to have the gambling experience, maybe it prepared me for this – the toughest fight of my life. Sounds a bit dramatic I know but yes I was very well supported on this site and it taught me so much that I didn’t want to learn and maybe it was all for a reason.
The boys will be ok, they are getting there and we live to fight another day !
Jenny X