You know I can hide as long as I like, but I cant hide for forever not from you guys anyway. And why should I be afraid to tell you that I am full of shame? That I feel like I am further back then from when I even started trying to first get clean years ago. I mean this is what everyone expected, right! That it was only a matter of time before I would fail. That I am not as strong, or brave or even disciplined as others are and have many more flaws and weaknesses. So, this is what I do, I hide. I shut the world out until I don’t let it see any part of me because even if they see a little, they’ll know, oh they will know that I did it again. That door opened and I didn’t shut it and I let the thrill and the spins convince me that maybe for once I could win. That Izzi could actually fix her damage, undo some of the financial strain in her life, it would be bliss, it would be worth it.
Wow that felt good to let out! And I was speaking about my perception of my families perception, sorry had to vent. Just dealing with this cg rampage I have been on for about 5 weeks. You would never believe how bad it got, actually you would cause we know what its like. But its bad so bad, went from NO DEBT, to having a couple of thousand in savings, to having, over 13,000 in debt from a personal loan that I used only for cg, to having cash advances I have to pay off + 1500 overdraft. I am literally DROWNING in debt and have more expenses then income right now. And I honestly just want to slam my head into a wall when I think about it, like what possessed me! when during all of that did I stop to JUST BREATH AND THINK CLEARLY! What is eating me most is the shame, the guilt. I told my counsellor and some others, but it doesn’t seem to have helped as much as I thought it would be. Even though my family doesn’t know (and they wont, counsellor has agreed its not good, because they are very unhealthy and destructive to my healing process with cg) I know I let them down and it kills me. And maybe it kills me so much because I know that really the only person I have let down is myself. How in the world will I undo any of this, see you later travelling, see you later moving out of home, see you later LIFE! And for what, someone tell me for what! I was days away from 11 months and I kissed it goodbye.
My job SUCKS (more the people I work with) I travel far and work long hours and I cant even walk out tomorrow. I have nothing to my name but debt so I cant afford to not have a job But I tell ya been dreaming of walking out. I have backed myself up against a very big wall.
I don’t know how to do tomorrow, I am really unhappy. I watched this TED talk on cg and the guy made a comment that stuck to me. It was about how we cg because we fee disconnected or lost etc….. and some of us cg because we cant bare to be present in our lives. That hit me hard because it is so true in my life. And I tried not to breakdown when I heard that, not to get completely undone because I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to stop it. I am a very broken person inside and at times so unhappy. And I don’t know how this started, but it sprung from my childhood. But I must have made a vow or something that I could try never be happy. Because I don’t feel whole and I struggled when I came back from my trip in the states because I was so happy there. When I came back I realised that I was still unhappy but the US made me forget. And I have never EVER actually said this before to anyone. Not sure if I even have the courage to open up to my counsellor to say, I am so broken because deep deep down inside I am unhappy. And I carry it with me, its on my shoulder (not very often) but its presence lingers. And cg can never shut it up, although I probably wanted it to. But now I have a beginning and recovery starts from today, well tomorrow, cg today.