Hi mm
Good to talk to you in group. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for offering different perspectives and things to think of at a time when you have such alot to contend with. It is valued and shows your great understanding in such a short time. I did write down things I wanted to say thank you. I did say them but I was only able to as my ex is currently receptive. I may sometimes have a problem with communication but I realise my ex chooses sometimes to hinder rather than help communication. Again the penny has eventually dropped. I do realise I have a tendency not to see the obvious!!
I have spent a lot of time wondering and thinking about gambling addiction over the years. I feel like I don’t want to do this much anymore. It serves no purpose for me. It keeps me stuck. I want to leave the addiction behind me.
I am becoming much clearer just because I recognise patterns. Many things I have read now make sense. I did not believe that my ex would be manipulative for his own devises because that for me was so difficult to accept. I wonder how I lived with blinkers for so long. Probably because the pain of acceptance is very hard .
I wonder about my feelings for my ex now. But this is almost irrelevant to me as the biggest love of my ex is his gambling. He grips on to it dearly. It is more powerful than his love for his daughters. His youngest daughter, my daughter is the priority in my life. He is being responsible and kind and considerate as yet again he kids himself he can control his addiction. I know he loves our daughter I can see it. I also know he doubts he can change and doesn’t really have the present conviction for it. I think he imagines he can control it yet again.
I am trying not to get sucked into his efforts to be more controlled. He seems normal again. Its hard again to believe this is the person that can be so unreasonable and so caught up in himself he has little consideration for a child.
I do know that this will not last as long as he does not try to get support. I have told him about this site but I wait for nothing. I confirm plans and decline requests to join him and our daughter. What is the point?
I feel a little easier. I feel stressed when I feel I make wrong decisions and judgements. The goalposts with a CG can be ever moving if you let them. I feel I have control in other areas of my life. My CG threatens my control of my life if I let him.
I am trying to say no more!!
So mm keep going as you are keep questioning what is right for you. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you as always velvet.
Regards
M x