today i banned from all options for me to gamble .
I do not need to hear wtg or good job,or things will get better now.
Cause to be honest this was a move i have fought since 2010.
Its not the gambling i will really miss,it is the part of me that comes to life when im gambling,it is something i look forwards too.
I was banned till last friday,my latest 6 monther,so i lasted one week,and well lets just say,i had to call in sick to work tomorrow,just as an alcoholic ,we to go though withdraws.
Depreesion beyond our wildest dreams,deep deep depair,fear,worry,and sadness,loneliness,guilt,so many racing thoughts that steal our sleep.
Nothing changed for me ,hubbys still in a care home,hes doing good,me well ,his illness has just about done me in mentally and physically,and whats left of me in a day gambling took the rest.
Stopped bathing for 2 years now yup yuck huh!
Just lost all drive for living,and summer wow ,so hard for me.
How many times will i have to say NO .
I dont know how iam going to get through the next few weeks.
Cant really afford to loose much more of me.
Keep telling myself ,stay in the moment ,dont think ahead.
But its hard ,cause i dont want to wake up me,either way i lost this fight.
I already spend half my life starring out a window knowing i dont belong in it ,dont fit in.some where along the way,the ME in ME stopped living.
My court sentencing 3 yrs was over in May,hmmm big deal,the damages i did years back are permanant.
Just something i have to except.some times thats why i still dont care if i still gambled,couldnt do more damamge financially that is.
I still have not managed to make any face to face recovery friends.
So i will go through this alone,but maybe it is something i just need to except.
All i hope to get out of the next 6 months is not gamble free days big whoop.
I really really hope i can find inner peace some kind of self worth.
And maybe a little courage to buy some new clothes been over 5 yrs .
Spending on me is a guilt trip to hell.
But im thinking that will take a few more years.yah
Oh well enough of my yaking.
Nothing changed lol ,one day i might.
and thats me over and out.
Im not