Hi everyone
I haven’t posted on here for a little while now, but I have been reading through all the other journals, old and new.
So much has happened over the last few weeks that it’s all been a little overwhelming! Fortunately for me, it has all been really positive which makes a very welcome change from the usual shower of sh*t that tends to follow me around! As some of you will know from my thread and conversations in the group chat, I was in a pretty horrific car accident last year… and whilst I would never wish to be involved in such an accident again, my injuries entitled me to an amount of compensation. Well my claim got settled a little earlier than expected and the amount i received was a little higher than i expected. As a result i have been able to pay off every single penny of my debt and still have a little bit left over to put into a savings account. this is the first time in my adult life so far that i have been debt free.
I was so overwhelmed with relief that i just cried when i got the money. I cried because i was of course happy, but also because were it not for my gambling, that windfall would have been a very decent deposit on my first home. So i suppose i cried a little out of frustration too.
On top of all this, i am moving in with my boyfriend next week, whilst will be the first time i have “left home”, never mind lived with a partner. I am so excited, i love him dearly and cant wait to spend more time with him. But i am also a little scared; always living with parents has meant that whilst i was in a total mess with debt for 4-5 years, fortunately i never had a house to think about and all the financial commitment that comes with that. Even though i now have very little outgoings (after clearing all my c/cards, overdraft, loans etc.) i’ve never really had to worry about household bills before. So this will be a learning curve for me.
Also, my chap works away an awful lot during the week so i could potentially be spending 3-4 evenings a week on my own… which may get a little boring… which is very dangerous territory for me and my recovery. I have already attempted to take steps to avoid too much time alone – i have joined a gym so I can pop there for an hour after work.
It sounds odd when i say it out loud, but i think the further into recovery that i get, the more scared i become. The only explanation I can find for this is that I now have more to lose than i ever have before. I’m finally at a point in my life where the potential is sky high; and it terrifies me that my guard may slip and i could lose everything that i’ve worked so hard to put right. I know i cannot lose my focus for a single moment, i really don’t want to end up feeling the way i did when this thread was started.
I hope you are all having a good day and succeeding in your journey to beat the rotten addiction.
Love to you all xxx