Hi everyone
I’ve not been on for several days, I haven’t had the energy or strength. I’ve really been struggling, I don’t think I have ever felt so depressed. I’ve also been really busy with work and to be honest I think that, and having to look after the kids, has been the only thing keeping me going. I even looked in my diary yesterday to see if there was an appropriate date to have a nervous breakdown, but alas, I would appear I have to keep going until Easter.
Yesterday I went for a massive walk and listened to a ‘mindfulness’ app and that really helped. I did it again whilst having a bath and this morning I went to yoga and I feel lot’s better. Yesterday I just wanted to lay on the floor and scream so today is a massive improvement. Today I just feel sad. But not so sad that I feel I won’t recover, which is progress.
My husband, for the first time, is making such an effort to look after me. He has cooked for me three times in one week (he prob cooked three times all of last year….!), he put something on the TV that he knows I like (in the past I have been watching something and he has literally turned it over without even realizing that I was in the room) and he stopped messing with his phone all the time after I told him how much it was stressing me out. He has also advised me to have some time to myself at the weekend which I will do. For the first time that I can remember, he is looking after me, rather than the other way round. He is really trying and I love him for it.
It is so sad that he has only just realized the effect all of this has had on me. It is like he is only just realizing i am there again. Yesterday I thought about just going into A&E and just laying on the floor so that someone would try make it all better…….It has been a week since all this blew open and nobody at work has even noticed a difference in me/ This is so odd because inside I feel like I’m rotting away and I would have thought that would maybe show on the outside. Clearly not. The only hug I’ve had is from the kids. But today, at least the agonizing sadness is less. I’m hoping my mum will come over soon so I can get that hug.
I think the sadness stems from the fact that that I feel undervalued, disrespected and unloved. This isn’t the first time my husband has intentionally deceived me. The lies and the deceit are not simply part of the gambling addiction, I have been here before with his other addictions and it is the fact that he is so comfortable with lying that really worries me. He is going to GA tonight though and he went on Tuesday so again, all steps in the right direction.
My father was an alcoholic who compulsively lied to me throughout his addiction and I feel like I’m now back into this cycle of lies and hurt. As a kid and young adult I always had this feeling of dread that it was all about to kick off and of course it would, and he would fall off the wagon. That feeling is back. However my Dad never wanted to stop. At least my husband does.
Anyway, that was a rather depressing post. I will keep trying to look after myself like you have all suggested and thank you for your valuable advice.