Hi Ze2019 thanks for sharing where you are at and for reminding me of the rage I used to feel as a result of gambling and losing. It’s really painful stuff. Who, after all, sprays their money about as if it is ammo being fired from a machine gun? These feelings can become very powerful indeed overwhelming and without support they can be too much. Solution: gamble. That was certainly my approach. Gambling became my fix in the sense that it seemed to offer an escape myself from my problems. My internal dialogue with self was about entitlement: I am entitled to have a bet and a few hours of fun. In reality I was getting in deeper and deeper and was so overwhelmed by debt that I believed the only solutun to my problems was to gamble. And ultimately that meant losing and that meant more and more rage and anger.
Early on in my time with GA I remember another ‘experienced’ member quite literally exploding at me because I challenged him about something utterly unimportant. For my troubles I was on the receiving end of a ten minute rant and I remember looking at this guy as he ranted about having achieved thirty-three years without having a bet blah-blah-blah and what I remember thinking as this rant went on was that if I make it to thirty-three years I don’t want to be like this. I would like to be floating through the clouds, unflappable, happy, at peace with world and my fellow travellers. I am about half way there and I am happy to say my levels of rage and anger are minimal these days but they are still there and I am capable of getting angry; but I am equally capable of recognising when I am in the wrong and when I am not.
Back to you, Ze2019. You now have a real sense that this business of compulsive gambling is not simply about winning and losing but that there are a huge range of emotions at play here. WHat might make it difficult for your nearest and dearests is that they don’t actually know where you are at right now. If you get angry you might care to explain to them what is going on and why you are a little tetchy. They might be able to support and encourage you. As I and others have said before you might want to check out some support like GA or any other groups. It’s much easier doing this with others than doing it on your own. Your peers in such a setting will offer support, acknowledgement and suggestions to you and perhaps enable you to realise the reality of stopping gambling and in turn your contributions can only help yourself and others.
As before it is about today. Don’t gamble today. Deal with tomorrow’s problems tomorrow. Try to acknowledge gratitude for your 24 hour reprieve if you make it to bed tonight and haven’t had a bet. Thanks also because you are helping me too by reminding me of how it once was.