Surprisingly, I’m losing my urge to look at market prices/gamble by chance … the cravings for that feel much weaker (however that could just be this part of the “cycle”). The improvement is noticeable … I’m still reading my quotes everyday about the importance of guarding myself from risky things …
In this post what comes to mind are these feelings and states of being that are still in me that are a bit messy — the content underneath the cravings. I’ve been writing about how emotional pulls are some times messages to look at something, sometimes some feeling that needs to be released, and some times a negative emotion that’s building itself …
For now I’m reflecting at the types of emotional states that are like addictions/become that way … because certain ones for me seem to be “constant” or want to present themselves that way whereas others come and go … this makes me identify it more as an addictive state than a passing feeling.
For me this would be depression … I don’t think people even view depression as some times being an addiction in itself, but I think it’s entirely possible and everyone knows there is a difference between someone who is depressed and wants to heal and better themselves and someone who is depressed and leverages it to get attention/does not remedy the source of their depression …
For the latter I’ve been exposed to such people (and I was also raised by one) … which is why I think it’s valuable to take a look at these depressive feelings (which have been big catalysts for gambling urges in the markets in the past) and see what it’s like to see them that way …
The thoughts and feelings of the depression are “certain defeat” … and fear … for me it’s like this fear I had when I was a kid of losing those feelings of deep sadness … like I would be “fake” if I lost them … if I let them go … so there was always this desire to hold deeper sadness/the ability to access the state in as something remembered … i don’t think i did the same thing with happiness/joy … but viewed that as a threat to the deep feeling sadness I was experiencing/holding in …
There’s definitely a part of me that’s sick of this though … I don’t have to define the experience of others, but I know for myself the deeper internal state of defending darkness and hopelessness is a bit of an addiction and creates self fulfillin prophecies in what it manifests … i believe gambling/random trades in the markets has been a reflection of fulfilling this “foresight” of “knowing” things end with sadness and defeat …
In that place life itself feels heavily defined that way … but when I look at it honestly the depression feelings are always the same and saying the same thing … they’re a big coloration that come from fear and indulgence … those slow moving dark thoughts of not being able to achieve what I want today start to spin and work their way like a spiral within and the feeling of things slipping out of my hand comes true …
I think when you experience loss and the sensation of things being stripped out of your hands enough, you can become addicted to the expectation of that, and in my case i think part of that is in play … there are things externally in life we can’t control when they are lost … but there are things we can control from within. My trouble with myself is seeing this emotional attitude that these elements I have control over can’t or won’t influence my future …
The depression feels like a disconnect from recognizing and sensing cause and effect … it feels like hiding from cause and effect and not knowing it. Pronouncing no correlation/recognition of cause (my actions/taking action on what I have power to take action on) and effect (how I feel about myself and life as result of my choices). It’s like a layer of denial (and I’ve definitely seen this denial more pronounced in others I’ve been close with) of what brings happiness …
I know there is at least some truth in this idea of recognizing the emotions that go into addictions like gambling as being addictive triggers themselves … after all if an emotion is serving an addiction (i.e. the weakness of depression or chaos of deep anger), then part of that addiction will be to hold on to that emotion … I do feel that’s part of it …
I’m not craving bets right now, but I’m craving sadness/to feel sad … I feel this craving is an indirect craving to what bets later could lead from it … because a disempowered state is usually the precursor to placing bets/making random adjustments in my life that don’t serve my best interest.
I think I’ll start trying to notice cravings for triggers and trigger states mroe on this journey … because I want to be thorough. I don’t and cannot assume just because I’ve had a good first week I’ve figured it all out and things are rosy. I want to be thorough with myself and explore the depth of a truly recovered lifestyle.