You never know when Day 1 is as we try again and again, well at least for me I had many Day 1’s on this journey. Do I think I will never have another Day 1 the answer is I don’t know. I hope and pray that I don’t, but I also know that I could be back to Day 1 in the blink of an eye. It does scare me the thought of going back to Day 1 as I still remember the fighting to stay away, the thoughts and urges. I do still have thoughts of gambling come out of nowhere. I also have what I call a healthy fear of being back sitting at machines. I also know that I am the same distance away from placing my next bet as anyone else. I don’t feel self righteous that I have some gamble free time as I know that the same as anyone here it could just as well be me who is back to Day 1.
I know that Vera used to put a monthly pact up and I don’t know how many of them I started and never saw the month out. I was so focused on getting to the end of the month instead of focusing on today. I would get a few days, a week, two weeks gamble free then blow it. The funny thing is my last be was place on November 1, 2012, but I did not give up even though I had blown the first day. I don’t know why that time was different from all my other Day 1’s. I put barriers in place with cash. I no longer took my cc to access cash and I no longer carried cash with me. I had no cash to gamble with. There have been many times since then when I have had thoughts/urges but I kept thinking of how I would feel after. I hated myself after gambling and the money I lost. It is a difficult thing to accept that you are powerless over something, but I truly am powerless over those machines. We are all different and what works for one does not always work 100% for another. Due to my work situation it was difficult for me to self exclude from the Casinos or go to GA so I went to individual counselling, and also joined GT and found support from fellow compulsive gamblers and the GT staff. I also know there are things that I need to do something about and I am procrastinating about them, and that is my husband’s drinking. I know that I can’t change or control him and I accept that. I know that I am a work in progress and I have to continue to work on me and never ever give up. It’s not easy as sometimes I would love to escape to a Casino for just a little while. I know for me there is no such thing as just a little while with those machines and all I would be doing is feeding the addiction/compulsive gambler in me. I will continue to take it one day at a time!!!! Day 1 can be any day of the week or month!!!
