Thank you Twilight for your comments. i appreciate that and your heart felt reply about your dad.I am sorry he couldn’t be the dad you needed. That I understand, as my ex wants no part of recovery too.
My head has been all over the place in the last few weeks. I hit a low and fragile period, feeling physically ill and rundown, having a virus and dealing with stress at work and being tired running after my kids. and who was back on the text being nice? yes,my ex. I thought he was being genuine as he was asking about the kids and although that instinct of mine was still there telling me he was still gambling, I wanted to believe for a wee while that he was “the man I used to know”. So, I took my daughter to the park and said he could come and see her there but only for 30 minutes. The last time I allowed contact was in December and I still haven’t forgotten that he has made no real effort to let his kids know he is the dad they need him to be, no letters,no cards,no positive contact/effort. But I am low.
He comes to the park.It is positive.I tell him it is baby steps as I am very protective of my 7 year old.He says he will do what it takes to be in her life. Easter Sunday he asks if he can give the kids easter eggs. I meet him but only for 15 minutes as I am feeling unwell and I feel he can’t wait to get away. (It is a Sunday, a previous betting/drinking day).
Still all is ok.
BUT – it changes. He asks me if he can take our daughter to the cinema,on his own.In the last 3 months he has only seen her for 45 mins. AND I am approached by a very reliable friend who asks me if I have met my ex lately. When I say yes she advises me I need to be careful, she is not one to gossip but she is genuinely concerned for me. I ask her why and she tells me he has a serious COCAINE ADDICTION NOW. Oh i am gobsmacked.
I find out he had a 500 pound debt to drug dealers and now it makes sense, he advertised his old car for 500 pounds. I thought that was for gambling. He was on facebook trying to sell items, drugs now, cocaine is expensive. I am told he has debt to drug dealers for 600 pounds and he also has items in a pawn shop (it was his birthday in March and his sister gave him a lovely watch, is it now being used for money?) I am shocked.
I contact my ex and I am calm and ask him when did he last use cocaine.He lies. He tells me January. He was in the dealers house a few weeks ago and also was trying to get cocaine an hour before I called him. I tell him I know about the drugs and I am concerned for him but there is no way I will allow contact now. I have no trust and I also ask him if he gambled. He says No but again he has been seen going into the bookies and there was the post of him with a ladbrokes receipt. His reply astonishes me “Yes I did go into the bookies but I wasn’t gambling”. He is a CG.
He then tells me I am a liar and I am just calling him to bring him down. He totally changes and becomes aggressive, shouting at me and calling me a liar, saying I just want to hurt him. I am gobsmacked. And what did I expect, the truth?
Now I have a different man, angry, argumentative, threatening to take me to court, to never allow me to take our daughter to Oz, to “wait as you will be hearing from someone pretty soon”.Why? because I said No or really because I caught him again.Because I now know.
I am now giving him a clear message to stop or I will involve the police. I am very upset. What on earth was I thinking a couple of weeks ago? Hope that he could be there for his daughter when now he is using cocaine, drinking alcohol, gambling, working 2 jobs and still functioning.How is this possible. His head and body must hurt.
So, I spend time with friends and I tell his parents again of what has happened. They are angry but concerned. They try to reasssure me that he won’t go through the courts but I really don’t trust him.
All this happened on Saturday and I wake up today and find a text message sent to me at 12.45 am which is abusive, calling me poisonous and saying he has took 95 aspirin as its the only way. I am upset. i have never been called poisonous in my life. I wasn’t shouting or being horrible to him. I now have that physically anxious sick feeling that he has done something stupid.I wonder if he has, he has threatened before. I am a mess again and I am meant to be getting ready for work.
I call a friend for support at 7am, I then phone the police and ask them to check he is ok. And guess what, he is.I am deflated. He obviously wanted a reaction. I have now blocked his number.
I go to work.Little concentration. His parents tell me the police went to their door. Does my ex consider or think of any of this? the effects his behaviour has? I am done. I haven’t protected myself enough.
Vera once posted something that was helpful to me and it was about being in a car, with the brakes failing and I had to pull myself and my kids to safety or we would all crash. I feel as though I have just been in that car crash. Dazed, emotionally battered, confused, shocked, hurt but still got some strength to walk away.
You know what the hardest part is – I feel that I have now totally given up on him and that hurts me. I am a caring person and I thought maybe seeing his daughter again would help, us talking without any negativity would help, but really I forgot that the only person that can help him, is himself.
It hurts.It really hurts.
Need to find that strength again. Now I have made that final step to block his number,my worry though is what next?
Sorry for the long post. I have been keeping all of this in and it has took a lot for me to post again. I know other cg’s have commented on my posts before and I have never ever wanted to offend anyone with anything I write. I hope anyone reading this is not upset .
Thank you for taking the time to read this.