Dear diary
I really appreciate the financial freedom after I have lost it. I do not have the wisdom and gratitude to be grateful when I have it, I took everything for granted. I never thought I can lose my freedom, I thought I only lose calculated money and time.
Freedom to do anything; free from the stress of repayment and servicing endless loans, free to buy gifts of love, free to go for movie and good meal and travel to anywhere anytime. It was really a luxury. It has to be earned by a compulsive gambler like myself.
I got it, and I lose it by gambling.
All the worries, anxieties and stress due to financial reasons in most part of my life was self –inflicted, it comes with the gambling
I was blind to this fact, I could not see the light. I didn’t want to admit it was due to my gambling. I blame it on everything else except gambling. It was important for me to see that because when I gave up my gambling, the freedom will slowly return and I will experience financial freedom, peace, calm, and joy again.
I don’t have to do more than one job to repay my debt, I will have more time. There will be saving and I will have the freedom to buy or do anything that money can buy.
A Choice to return to gambling and a life of ruins
I have read that the hardest thing for people like me was to forget the feelings and things associated with gambling. I cannot erase my memory. Me and my thoughts can be very predictable.
When I feel bored, lonely, stress, disappointed and frustrated, anygry, mentally tired and in pain. My mind automatically asked me to gamble, they are together.
I check myself now. If I have some money and the time and If I lose it all, if I do not go into financial hardship or hit rock bottom as a result. I will start to have the illusion or false belief that I can afford this great risk from gambling. I was blind. I cannot see the real danger. I have a false feeling that it will not happen to me again after so many times.
Before hitting rock bottom, I will first walk into my prison and lose my freedom. Freedom that money and time can give me.
My mind will be preoccupied with gambling. Every day I am always thinking and planning what to gamble, how much to gamble, should I gamble. I will feel very anxious if I do not gamble and I will feel very stress if I resist and fight my gambling thoughts. My mind become like a spoilt tape recorder that keep repeating these thoughts. All my time and energy was lost and It make me feeling tired.
When I have no more money, any bills big or small give me anxiety and make me feel emotional low. I become anxious about my next pay day, pay day suddenly become the most important day in the week and month. I have become a slave. I am no more enjoying other important things in life.
My life priorities change. Gambling, and love for money have squeeze out love for God, my family and myself.
When I return to a life of self-destruction, I become selfish, self-centered and self-seeking, I love myself more. I sacrifice others. I do not sacrifice myself .
I do not know how to love. I do not know the correct way to love others and to love“me”.
