It has been two months since I posted. To no surprise (to me at least), I was not able to stay away. Fortunately, over the last two months my net winnings actually allowed me to pretty much break even with all of the losses I have had in the last 3+ years. I know I beat the long odds in doing this. In fact, I actually was in a net profit position the last few weeks but foolishly feeling “invincible,” I gave those profits away in some quick 30 minute bursts on multiple occasions.
This 3 year sickness has taught me it is not easy to stay away. Will power alone will not do it. When I first posted here in February 2019, I hoped that just writing a journal would get me away doing it. At that time, I became heavily depressed because of my losses – because I lost the equivalent of one year’s salary. However, I did not listen to suggestions like the one from Steev to build barriers. While will power kept me away for many months in 2019…I resumed playing in the Fall of 2019 which led to a downward spiral into early 2020 when I started to install barriers like GamBan.
GamBan worked until it did not (when I was traveling the hotel WiFI did not capture it) and I had a bad relapse night..and tallied my losses in my hotel room (while sobbing) and saw that I now lost 2 years of salary.
If I look back at my journal – I was able to stay away for prolonged times (like when the pandemic hit)…only to relapse and lose big. Rinse, wash, repeat.
After another quick burst lost night yesterday, I realized that I am not doing enough to truly stay away. I downloaded GamBan again and deleted all of the gambling apps off my phone. I have been given a true “life line” of getting back to even….two years of salary won back. If I lose any of this…I cannot imagine how worse my depression or sense of regret would be.
A long winded of saying I am back to Day 1 (again) but hopeful that I am more committed to staying away from this like previous times.
I plan to write again here more often and also help others in need…much like the many others in this community provided a lot of great support and suggestions to me.