Hi Joan
You have described a cycle of addiction that is recognised but I do not hear how you are coping. I hope you felt relief putting your feelings down. When misery swirls around inside your brain without an outlet, there will be no answers and it can become insurmountable.
Money given to a gambler is never lent, it is lost. as its sole purpose is to feed an ever-hungrier addiction. Your partner will see money as a means to an end and that end is the ‘gamble’ and that gamble will result in loss. He desires to ‘gamble’ and for that he needs money.
I have been in your shoes and stayed for far too long in them. The gambler in my life told me that as long as I enabled him, he had, had no incentive, or intention, to change. Facing an addiction is tough, it takes courage and determination and often desperation. Unwittingly I had kept him in his cycle by not facing my own lack of courage which resulted in my loss of self-esteem and confidence.
You are not to blame for your partner’s addiction, he is the one choosing to stay in his cycle but you are stronger than his addiction will ever be.
Has your partner ever accepted he has a problem and sought help? Maybe you could download the 20 questions from the Gambler’s Anonymous website and leave them for him to see. Perhaps he does not realise that there is support for him, that he does not have to live with misery and confusion. We offer fantastic support on this site for gamblers. Our Helpline,’my Journal’ forum and ‘gambler only’ groups facilitated by Charles – all are willing to support your partner. Everything is anonymous, he will be understood. He has nothing to lose by trying and possibly everything to gain?
A gambling addiction is a terrible thing to own; your partner would have placed a bet for fun at some time, as so many do, he could not have known that for him addiction was waiting in the wings. However, feeling sorry for him is a waste of energy – by continuing to gamble he is resigning himself to constant feelings of failure and only he can change that.
‘How do F&F stop their Cycle’? The answer lay with me as it lies with so many. When everything we have tried has not made an iota of difference then it is time to do something different.
Today, you have done something different, you have posted here where you are understood. Whatever has gone before cannot be undone but today you can resolve not to let his addiction rule your life.
I suggest that you keep posting and hopefully join an F&F group to communicate in real time. Creating a journal on the forum will give you a record to look back on, to see how far you have come; what you did that made a difference and what did not. Sharing helps.
I would never suggest that you end your relationship. Learning to say ‘no’ and meaning it is possibly equally difficult but ‘your’ health and life matter.
I leave you with my favourite quote ‘You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results’ – Mahatma Gandi
Post soon
Velvet