Dear Velvet,
By running in my own cycles have I been encouraging his cycles? I have seen it as a dance. I have been telling myself “don’t get caught, don’t get hooked”. But I’d faile…
It seems to me that only now I am fully aware of what has been going on. The AA and the GA haven’t been actually helpfull. It looks like they have been in the cycles as well. Because we’ve been going to the meetings for years… And no-one has noticed the pattern. I’ve been saying that I don’t trust him, that I’m not enthusiastic about occasional “positive moves”… But noone payed attention to what I was saying. And he’d focus on our relationship: how I wasn’t supportive. How I haven’t put the history aside…. Or it was all only manipulation. At times I’d feel as noone trusts me, as if I was loosing my mind.
It’s not a circle, it’s a spiral going deeper to abyss.
I can see it clearly now.
And yes I am going to focus on me. To stay strong and to heal.
***
Last Sunday he was on duty. He works on field, so uses his car. I called to check smth, and realized he’s been drinking. As I m aware that he is taking antidepresives, what he combined few night ago as well, and how dangerous the situation can be, I got scared that smth horrible might happen. I left my child at my brother’s, and searched for him. I found him. (I guess he allowed me to find him.). Took his car keys and confirmed his boss (and friend) about the situation. So he came, and then we drove him to his parents house.
At first he was aggressive towards me saying that I shouldn’t have done what I’ve done. That it’s the last thing, that he is going away. Then he blinked me for everything that’s going on.
He didn’t go the AA meeting. Didn’t contact his psychiatrist. And he quit his therapy…. We are in contact, primarily because of the child. I haven’t told her anything yet (don’t know what to tell her). We have arranged few meetings between the two, so that things don’t get to weird for her out of sudden. But she hasn’t been asking about him at all, what is really weird ‘caise normally she is very connected to him, and loves him deeply. Usually when I pick her up frođ kindergarten she complains that she wanted daddy to pick her up; if he is home late then she is sad for not hugging him and kissing him good night.. Ive been standing well these last few days. I’ve been present for her, had quality time…. I ask her if she wants to call daddy to talk to him. She says no. Developmental she stands very well. She is an early talker so she can communicate verbally her thoughts, whishes, emotions what I’ve been encouraging from her first days…. So I am worried that she might be ignorong the situation or surpressing her emotions.
***
I have passed link to this site to my CG. Maybe…
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I have attended the online meeting with Charles on Monday (but it was for CGs?). I hope to chat to you on Thursday.
