It has been 3 weeks since I found this site and created my first post. I posted on the 23rd and then had an episode on the 4th. That is what I call them. These selfish trances I get into where my wife does not seem to matter anymore. Where the only thing I can think about is the lack of control I have over everything in my life except gambling. Which is in of itself is insane because that is the absolute one thing I have no control over at all. I know it is my escape. It is the only time I get away from my own head. I put money in a machine or on my account and I am instantly at ease and nothing in life matters at that moment until it does. Then I need more money to continue it. My mind will tell me the reason it didn’t last is because I started with not enough money or I played the wrong game or the wrong amount. If only I had started with this one first or with this amount. So then I start over until I lose that too. Then the fight starts because I am smart that I gave up control of any access to money to my wife. I did this willingly but when in the middle of an episode I blame her for being controlling and trying to manipulate me. I am tired of this cycle. I want to be free of its hold. I want to not want to gamble but I always want to gamble. It makes me happy. Such a temporary happy that is followed by a very awful unhappy.
