Hi AnonGF,
Admitting he has a problem is good but refusing to seek help is sadly common.
I have never heard, or seen, any evidence that recognises an addictive personality. I believe your boyfriend has learned his behaviours and therefore he can also learn to control them – but he must want to do so. What I am sure of, is that your boyfriend can learn to control his addiction but needs the right support.
It takes a lot of courage to face a severe gambling problem and your boyfriend may not want to face it because he is either afraid, or possibly because he just doesn’t want to – maybe he is not ready yet.
I’m sorry to say that sitting him down and putting limits. or ultimatums, on his gambling is extremely unlikely to make any difference. Your boyfriend may believe and may even promise, that he will work within the limits set but when his addiction is triggered, he will only be focused on the gamble, all warnings go out of the window.
Did your boyfriend ask to be signed up to Gamstop? I have seen gamblers ‘taken’ to Gamblers Anonymous meetings by well-meaning and often desperate families but the result is usually lip-service, to please the loved ones, with no change.
Please protect your own finances, keep your pin number and information on your accounts completely hidden from him. Your credit rating may well be affected in the future by him having access to your account. In my opinion, it would be best to open an account in his sole name. If he lets you handle his finances it is good provided you do not get hurt. He will take you all the way down to the bottom with him if you allow him to do so, not because he deliberately wants to hurt you but because he is being controlled by an addiction.
What can you do to support your boyfriend?
Many gamblers feel they are alone with nobody able to understand their problem. Sign-posting your boyfriend towards support, without pressure, might help him to see that he is far from alone and there is lots of support.
Gamblers often off-load their worries, leaving them free to gamble, unhindered by responsibility, while loved ones take on the debt and lose sleep worrying about how to help. I believe it is good to say that you will stand shoulder to shoulder with him but that you will not shoulder the burden alone.
The most important thing you can do is to put yourself first. If you allow his addiction to bring you down and ruin your finances and your health, then the addiction has gained. Keep up with friends and family, don’t let hobbies and interests slip – it is sadly too easy for loved ones to give a gambling addiction 24-hour care and attention while the gambler doesn’t worry about anything apart from getting money together for the next gamble.
I will get this reply off to you now but I hope you will keep posting
It would be good to ‘meet’ you in an F&F group on a Tuesday or Thursday evening.
Velvet