Hi Flori
I believe that your husband is a decent man but sadly he has a destructive addiction. Wanting to trust is not a weakness, it is what any woman in a relationship would want but sadly your husband cannot trust himself and it is for this reason that it is unwise for you to trust him as you wish to do – until he has sought help. Your husband can learn to control his addiction; he can be the man that he would wish to be and the man that you want him to be but he will need help, until then, I suggest, that you save your trust.
Fixing oneself is not easy but it is the best course of action for the families that want to support. If you allow his addiction to control your life, then the addiction will win and you won’t be able to support your husband or yourself. It is important that you keep up with your friends and family; don’t let hobbies and interests slip away because it is so easy to slide into thinking about the gambling problem 24 hours a day – it can consume you.
Many families play detective with their loved one trying, as you suggest, to catch them red-handed but the ones who get hurt most are the families playing detective because it is not the way they want to be. The gambler would probably lie anyway causing more pain.
I think the point at which you can no longer turn a blind eye, rests with you but I do know the addiction to gamble does get worse, never better and budgeting doesn’t work. Not what you wanted to hear I know but I believe that sugar coating this addiction doesn’t help anybody.
When he puts his theories to you, such as budgeting, maybe you could gently suggest that he tries them out to make you feel better. With that in mind maybe your husband would like to contact our Helpline, it is anonymous and one-to-one. Whatever your husband is thinking will have been heard before, including your unease in trusting him. – I suggest, that he has nothing to lose.
I didn’t hear you ramble, I heard someone who needed to pour her worries out and that is good, keeping them in gradually festers and helps nobody. It is also an excellent idea to put them into a journal which you can refer to, not only to see the cycle of behaviour unfolding but more importantly to see how you are getting on with coping and making decisions.
Please keep posting,
Velvet