Hi Flori
Well done writing what must have been a very difficult post.
Neither of the options, to stay or to leave, are easy but I hope that by gaining knowledge of your husband’s addiction, it will be easier for you to know what it is that you really want to do. I assure you that whatever you decide, I will understand.
I know that your husband can control his gambling but he has to want to stop and in my opinion, he has to seek help to learn that control.
Maybe you could download the 20 Questions from the Gamblers anonymous web site and leave them lying around for him to find, handing it to him will probably result in a raised voice. Many gamblers think they are alone with their problem but they are not; there is support and there is always hope but the gambler often requires guidance to where that hope is to be found. Personally I think it is good for a gambler to know that a loved one has sought support for themselves.
Constantly working up to the excitement of the gamble, the bet and then the inevitable loss, takes its toll and leaves the gambler with low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. Armed, only with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, a gambler will often be confused and seek to place the blame for poor behaviour on loved ones, rather than taking responsibility for his/her demons.
The lies, loudness and the intimidation are your husband’s only coping mechanisms when his addiction is confronted.
Ultimatums are not advisable. It is better to be very sure of what outcome you want before you make any threats. Threatening action and then changing you mind will encourage his addiction to believe you will always give in, in the end.
Do you have family to support you? I know it is difficult asking friend and family for support because they probably have no understanding of your husband’s problem – but if you can ask for support without asking for opinions, I believe it can help.
I know it will not feel like it is true at the moment – but you really are stronger than your husband’s problem because ‘you’ are not controlled by an addiction.
Stay strong and please keep posting. I’m sorry you have had to wait so long for a reply but I promise you that you will always be heard.
Velvet