15th – 19th May 2017
This was a productive week at work, I felt grateful and contented.
When I begin the new job at the beginning of the week, I had nothing to show, I was very afraid, I had to pray and depend on God for strength and hope. I could only work hard, do my best and leave the rest to God. I was a fisherman at work. I depended on God completely for the final outcome, I don’t control the result, sometime there are no fish in the water.
I knew I can only control my effort, and cannot control the results, so I was not stress and anxious at all because I did not have any unrealistic expectations. I just do my best and cast my lines and net.
But when I was doing all the things right and producing result, I started to think that I can control the result, I start to become self righteous and justify my good performance, I felt that I was deserving and worthy of all the good result because of my hard work.
In the last 2 days, I still continue to work hard but I was doing it differently, I started to have high expectation from hard work and think I can control the final result which prove me wrong, I relied on my power for the result. I even predicted the result. When it didn’t come, it was hard for me to accept the truth that I was powerless, the truth was in a greater power than me! My power is predictable, I can work hard but the result was uncertain and unpredictable, I was powerless over the final outcome. I started to fear, become anxious and worry. It affected me greatly, I was afraid that I cannot produce the good performance I had this week in the next week.
When I was blinded by the good deed I do, I forget all the wrongdoing I did in this life. It was easy for me to forget where I came from and who I really was and become ungrateful and complacent, and fall back into old ways. I did not ask my love one to forgive me and cannot see the need to ask God for mercy and forgiveness. I depended on me more and less on God.
I don’t understand what happen to me ? Is this how I sabotage my life when things is going well. The moment I thought I am powerful in something, I become powerless.
I realized I was powerless over my life. I need to work hard at letting go and let God take control, not work hard and try to control everything.
I have no control over other people, places and things. Trying to do that bring back fear, anxieties, helplessness, worry, misery, suffering and pain into my life.
I am living the same life, doing the same old familiar sales job but trying to do it differently, giving up my old ways and trying new ways.
Thank you God!