Two terrible weeks, the thought of Cheltenham made me borrow money and gamble, then I borrowed more money during cheltenham and now I’m back to square one like last month. Well more like square minus one, another backwards step. The impending doom of depression now here.
My salary is supposed to get paid to my mum every month, I’ve self excluded from over 20 bookmakers, but still ive found ways to gamble. Last month I had no money to get to work and my mum bailed me out yet again on the premise that my salary is paid to her. In the meantime ive managed tomorrow £1500 which needs to be paid back with this months salary. I can’t tell my mum ive gambled again, I was already on a last chance. My only thoughts are how to gamble my remaining salary back to win, in order to cover up my error. I know this has only 25% chance of success, but feeling desperate again with no way out. I can feel the impending doom and suicidal thoughts building up. Completely lost in helplessness. This has happened in about 10 of the last 12 months…. The atmosphere at home is horrendous, my mum and stepdad on verge of divorce, my mum stressed everyday about what I’m going to do, this will just too it all over the edge. I just can’t see a way out, yet again and now I’m just waffling on and don’t have the energy to edit this post.