With a heavy heart, I am writing this.
And I 100% agree with your comments below, and I felt the same as you are feeling.
“I am barely able to focus during work, but on the days where I had this 4 or 5 hr of focus at work, once I am back home I feel so good, it gives me satisfaction, a sense of achievement, to the contrary in the days where I am not able to focus (which is most of the days in this period of my life) I feel so bad and depressed.”
During my gambling days ( 4 years -with three relapses)
1. sheer pain and agony every time I drive back home from the casino after blowing paycheck after paycheck
2. Depressed as shit ( I never thought I would go through something like this in my life )
3. I look at myself in the mirror and cry due to guilt.
4. I always think about the stuff I could do with all the money I blew, and I always think about a new strategy to win back.
5. Cash advances on credit cards, personal loans with 30% APR (it’s insane ), and blew everything
6. Numbing my brain with alcohol and porn, anything that helps me stop thinking about the losses.
7. I Once stole money from my wife’s wallet and told her I took that for extreme emergency ( I still feel sick to my stomach )
8. when I blew all my money, I asked people next to me to loan (it’s like begging…… )
9. loaned cash from friends and family for fae reasons.
10. Self-excluded from a casino in PA, then started driving 80 miles to a different city.
11. So many lies.
12. Financial damage was worst with every relapse, and There is never a rock bottom for us. It will always be deeper and deeper .
Now the recovery ( if this helps you even 1 %, I will be glad )
1. Though we will not keep any of our wins, all our driving force is WIN BACK THE LOST MONEY, and we CAN NOT ACCEPT THE FACT GONE IS GONE.
2. If any of us in this forum is financially literate, we will never treat money like toilet paper in the first place.
3. Why is someone like you, me trying to find peace from where we lost? We are smart enough to get a job and make a living. Why can’t we look for opportunities to make money elsewhere?
4. Though we call it mental health, disease, whatever ……It is a condition we are cultivating with relapse after relapse.
5. 2019 Oct 30 last visit from casino 80 K in debt total have no idea what I will be doing and how I will be doing I was at tears for 80 Miles
6. I called my brother-in-law and explained the 2of nd life I was leading for four years on and off, and I vented my pain.
7. I Banned myself from life in nearby cities ( we addicts can always find alternatives, but I did what I am supposed to ). At this point, I lost hope of winning back.
8. Solid everything on my name that clears any amount of debt peace of mind is more imp than any ( Car, any fancy items that I am not using ), But I still have massive debt. I am still fragile and at the lowest point of my life.
9. I started a journal to keep track of all the debts, from smallest to largest.
10. On Dec 19Th, 2019, I started looking for odd jobs apart from my regular work. ( at this point, I need something to keep me busy or distract me from -ve thoughts ) Then I found a pizza delivery, plain and simple.
The first time, I drove home with a 100$ bill ( 4 hours of continuous pizza delivery) after sooooo many negative losing days.
11. I kept driving day after day without a break
12. At this point, I am still a few days GB free ……so many -ve thoughts, so much pain I cannot explain. I am sure you know what I mean
13. My life-changing realization, was that listening to dave Ramsey while delivering the pizzas helped a lot and I realized my problem is my behavior, greed, wanting nice things, and not educating about money.
14. Now as days go by my paychecks are with me, all the extra money I was making I kept putting to credit cards though it’s not a lot but can you believe I made 45K delivering pizzas …………..till the day
15. I drove every day 5 Pm to 10 PM without a break for 300+ days kept the momentum, I treated that as a meditation, not as a job never discouraged about the 5 $ bills I was receiving as a tip
16. I treated that 2nd job as a pillar for me not having any time to go to casino.
17. After one year I slowly reduced driving to 4 days a week but remaining days I was going to the gym .
18. While I was gambling-free, I did well at my work as I was able to focus. before even I realized I got a raise, got a bonus, and shares from my job that kept the momentum.
In this whole recovery journey, I am blessed with a boy who is 1.8 years now, a 2-year-old puppy, bought a house and I am debt free……………… by just keeping my paycheck and not relapsing
IMP First year was terrible always sick to my stomach when someone paid me 5$ versus I used to give a 100$ tip at the casino when I was winning, so many triggers, so many distractions. Thoughts to relapse came up with strategies and planning to go to a different city now but I am not sure how did I not execute that and fall back, maybe because I was drenching busy delivering pizzas, I guess
We all are here for MONEY no matter what we say we are here to win back, I realized the hard way what is the point you have a million dollars when your mental health is fucked.
As a person who had gone through your state, I know every bit of what you feel, my friend. we were searching for things in the wrong place.
A smart guy like you can do anything not just trading you haven’t tried a different avenue yet that’s all .