I spent the last 2 days in the sun sitting on a beach and I feel a million times better than I did a few days ago. Sometimes I get into the f*$& it moods I call them and just feel like I’ve ruined my life in so many ways. I saw this qoute that came out of nowhere and it said, “sometimes you have to forgive yourself for the things you did well you were in survival mode”. That’s something I really have to grasp ahold of when my brain goes into the why did I gamble the way I did. Even though I’ve gone through the grief cycle of why I did what I did and accepted it there is still days I wish I had the financial security I once did so I dont have to fear how am I going to survive on my own. I’m trying the best I can that’s all I no for right now. I just have to keep repeating one day at a time to myself out loud. I can’t live in my future because that creates anxiety and I can’t live in my past because then I get depressed. I have to just keep looking at my every day to day life. I have alot to look forward to this summer. I have plans every weekend and fun adventures planned my life really isn’t that bad accept for missing someone to share it with but I’m learning to share it with platonic relationships not a partner. I wish sometimes I would of had kids to so i could watch them grow up but that wasn’t what my life had planned for me I guess. I’m just trying to keep myself as focused as I can on today and that’s the best thing I can do for myself.
