I’m not sure what to make of the fact that I operate best and feel the most alive while in survival mode….its the reason why I am so concerned that I keep screwing up my life so that I put myself back in it constantly. I remember when I was in my teens and going through the foster care experience, I used to break up with guys that l liked and was dating just to feel the pain. I was so numb from the crap that was going on in my life that I created emotional pain for myself so that I had feelings that I could control. I ignored all of the rest and was just in survival mode, taking great satisfaction in just getting through each day still with a roof over my head. I had always been in the same mode until 10 years back when I had gotten a bit complacent and that’s when the trouble started. It’s a bit of a pattern that is not serving me well and I do suppose that now that i am more aware of it I should work on it. Revelations are a bit of a bitch sometimes. I’ve also decided to lose some weight. I’m trying to work it into my day a bit at a time, which is totally not like the way I do things, but I need to start incorporating more constructive ways in my life. Hope you all are happy and gamble free today.
