Thanks jvr. I will admit that it does not feel good to be on the vulnerable side of life, as the last time I was actually vulnerable was when I was in my early teen years and shoved into foster care, and I don’t have to tell you about that kind of hurt I suppose. I should have seen the signs long ago of depression because the easiest way to tell that something isnt right with me is the state of my house. It’s not filthy by any means, but it is disorganized and in need of a good dusting, and that tells you that I have lost focus. I always blamed the clutter and the mess on gambling because I would spend my free time doing that instead of cleaning, but I guess it too was a distraction provided by gambling. It is hard for me to be depressed in my current situation because I have a daughter who suffers from and is medicated for chronic depression and I always have to be the rock for her. I guess that my first steps are to examine my thoughts and the patterns and to find out why I have so many negative thought patterns that ultimately lead to me feeling so lost and alone. I had always thought that I enjoyed the solitude of being alone and still do, but I am thinking that is a defense. I have started talking to more of my neighbors as I spend time outside so that I am not always alone in my thoughts and am making some connections with others. It’s not always fun, but when I do I feel less judged by them and it relieves some of the negative aura that seems to surround me when dealing with others. Baby steps. It’s also a bit of a relief for me to know that I am “simply” depressed. It is something that now has a name and is not some weird personality disorder that cannot be fixed. I have always been the same person but i picked up some negative thought patterns that lead me to the darker side which has lead me to the even darker side of life, and i am hoping that the light that has been thrust upon it now with a “diagnosis ” will lead me out. I am still watching the gambling urges with care, but now i am watching even closer the thoughts that seem to lead me to the urges. I’m cutting to the quick, so to speak, and i hope that everyone does the same.
