It’s funny how the little things can seem so big. I have always felt a bit outside the norm since I was very young. I was always bright and enthusiastic but awkward and shy. I love numbers and order and organization. I have always been creative and resourceful at the same time being obsessive and neurotic. It seems many sides of me are part of the reason that I started gambling and the only reason why I am an addict. It pains me to know that my inability to merge the different sides of me into a cohesive, functional individual can open me up to causing so much turmoil. I know that I need to call upon the sides of me that are able to fight with the addiction. I need to call upon the functioning, rational and problem solving being that lies underneath the mess that has ensued to come to the surface and fix what I have done. Only I can fix this mess. I need to fix it so that I dont end up here again. If I get out of this and then start back on the path that led me here I know that I will have to get a second job again. I will not be able to afford many of the things that I want or need. Fear will be my constant companion. I will question my worth and my decisions. This is not something that I want to do now or in the future. As much as trauma and hardship.lead others to addiction, my own lack of self has led me here. At 56 I still have not been able to know who I really am and it looks like it’s going to be an important part of my recovery to find out. Today I am panicked for many reasons. I feel like the ground beneath me could come away at any time. It is me who.makes the ground unstable. If is me who brings fear and panic to my mind. It is me who makes the choice to gamble or not. It is all me. It is me who must fix this and it is me who will jeopardize my recovery. I have stopped looking to the casinos and the internet as the enemy. It is not their fault that I cannot say no. When I look to myself as the problem then I also give myself the power to be the solution. I am the only solution. I will use the blocks to help me until I get stronger, but I will keep in mind that they will not always be there. I must learn that I need to be responsible for what I do and what happens when I do it. Gambling is not without recourse.
