Today usually is a triggering and upsetting day for me just because of what it symbolizes but I chose to make it easier on myself and not go to a bad place with it. Yesterday I made a day of giving back to people. I got my aunt flowers to show her she’s appreciated even if we conflict with each other. She had a big dinner for her careaid and handymans family so I went and managed to sit with 20 strangers and forced myself to be vulnerable I have a hard time being around alot of strangers but I did ok. I also spend the day with my best friend and we went and found a stick for me so I can start using my drum my sponsor gifted me. In my culture its called a medicine quest when you go and search for plant medicines. The stick must come from nature to be more meaningful. There is a spirtual element and ceremony type process to getting the stick so it was a good experience and being in nature to. I took my friend for lunch to thank her for being there with me. I also went to a coffee shop and bought some strangers in line coffee just feeling like being nice to people. And then I suprised my dad and stepmom with dinner that I ordered through an app and got it sent to there house where they live. There in a different province than me and I felt like doing something nice for my stepmom. By doing these random acts i felt like it was a good way to get out of myself. I’ve always been giving to others and it’s always made me feel better. I have the money now to do it so why not. I’ve saved alot of money since I quit gambling so what I do have I want to share more. I wish that I would of did that with the money I lost gambling but thats in the past now. I did my stepwork on Friday night with my sponsor and I had some really profound moments doing it. Because the steps I’m doing are different this time I get to learn more teachings and things I’ve lost about myself that pertain to ny culture. I’m really enjoying them and there showing better values that I need in my life. There was a column in one of the readings that discussed what trational native values used to be vs the European influenced values. And one of those comparisons was non materialism vs the European value which was being materialistic. I said to ny sponsor that gambling was never about money for me at all. I actually didn’t want all the money I did have that’s probably why I’m giving what I have away now so freely. I don’t need alot of stuff in my life. I don’t need alot of money either I could care less as long as I have what I need to survive I’m ok. When I really think about it gambling was more like an extremely expensive video game to me. The escape and reward system that was activated in my head was what made me become addicted. I also learned that there is a part of the brain that gets hyperactivated during gambling that creates distorted thinking process. This leads us to see patterns in random sequneces and continues us gambling. I’ve been told that women tend to lean to gambling more for the emotional escape like I feel I did. Anyways today I’m grateful for my new recovery journey. And I’m grateful for the new people im meeting and allowing myself to be seen by.
