I will not lie, I relapsed once again after my last reply. I told myself I was done gambling, woke up and got into my car to do deliveries to try and recover some money (keep in mind, the deliveries are not always available, so it’s a very mind-boggling thing knowing that I most likely won’t find financial stability in doing these deliveries). As I was doing these food deliveries, I asked someone to borrow a thousand dollars (someone who I had just recently paid back) and I made up some lies to borrow that thousand. That felt like crap, but I was determined to make more money from that money because in my mind, that would be not letting that person down.
After borrowing this thousand dollars, of course in my greedy mind, the money I made doing deliveries wasn’t enough (well it truly isn’t much anyway), so I went to the casino/cardroom once again to test out the “strategy” to win some gas money and to save me some time (as in, “hey, I can make money in the casino/cardroom much faster than with doing deliveries, then I can save time and relax more”). It worked, but of course out of greed (and due to inevitable losses that always come with the casino/cardroom (with gambling)), I went back more than once to try and do it again and again. Of course less than 24 hours later after continuously going back, the “strategy” didn’t work (it actually didn’t work multiple times), which caused me to resort to my plan b, chasing the money back with what I had leftover. Long story short, there were ups and downs and it led to the inevitable losses. I walked out of the casino/cardroom empty handed once again, feeling sick and disgusted, especially after just borrowing money from a loved one (who certainly could have used that money for something better) and lying to them to borrow that money.
At one point, I had even doubled my money after resorting to the plan b play-however-you-want-with-the-money-you-have-left-over-to-chase-the-money-you-lost “strategy” (and even after doubling what I had went in with, it still wasn’t even the money back that I had just lost the night before (it’s disgusting even thinking about this)). Of course, we always say in hindsight when we should have left (or what we should have or could have done), knowing that there is no way to gauge this when you are gambling. Regardless, the inevitable losses came once again.
I left feeling sick and livid, but just couldn’t think too much about it, as I felt/feel like breaking down but I don’t want to let evil win by seeing me defeated and giving up on life, so I kept my chin up.
Now I am at home typing this up, not knowing how I am going to recover (the funds), but more importantly, not knowing how I am going to stop this addiction from taking its toll.
I am fatigued, I am disappointed, I am embarrassed, I am ashamed, I am sad for my loved ones who got stuck with me as a son, and a brother, and a relative.
This is my honest update.