Hey Losingitslowly,
You are not alone. I too, recently relapsed after multiple clean days. At this point I just feel like maybe I have to accept that I’ll be a gambling addict dealing with relapses for the rest of my life. It’s not a positive thing to say but honestly at this point it’s the truthful thing to say.
I had gotten some money from unemployment finally after waiting several months to see if they’d even approve me. I paid off some debt and wanted to get a car off the lot that I could drive Lyft/Uber with, but I couldn’t even get approved for the most basic loan that would allow me to make monthly payments on the car (due to having very poor credit). This hurt because I was determined to execute this plan.
Of course, my mind convinced me to try those “strategies” again at the casino/cardroom (to possibly win enough for the car and/or to possibly win enough to fix my credit), and of course, it worked only a couple of times again before it backfired and costed me not only what I had won, but my own money.
This actually happened less than 24 hours ago (the losses). It’s funny how we, or at least myself, doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong, doesn’t admit to dealing with a relapse, or doesn’t post when I am not losing, and assuming there is no problem until I lose (although sometimes I don’t post even when I’m losing / have lost due to feeling too low).
Here I am back at square one. It’s funny you mention Mother’s Day. My mother is one of my motivations for trying to win money, so I can get her nicer things. I had no idea that Mother’s Day was this upcoming Sunday. Here I am, pretty much broke once again due to gambling. I am not a good son.
I appreciate God for the basic things though such as having a roof over my head, but living this life of a gambler with no other kind of financial plan for financial growth is very very tiring.