I started reading something this morning that was talking about how recovering addicts always try to stay so busy. I laughed because everyone I’ve met in the last 10 years through recovery can’t sit still and when they do they feel guilty and on edge. You no those lazy Sunday mornings that are for rest but something inside of you is jabbing you to get moving. That’s kinda of me right this minute my brains already giving myself shit for resting a bit. The article I was reading discussed how the typical go to the gym and doing lots of activities is fine but it’s not healthy to be in constant avoidance. The answer that I always see refers to finding a spirtual awakening. But what I really liked is is said finding an emotional regulation. For those that don’t understand that a spirtual awakening isn’t necessarily a sense of finding yourself as a full blown Buddhist monk, or being stuck by some spirtual lightening, or something to that degree, it literally is just being able to be in a peaceful place.Which requires the ability to get ahold of your emotional wellbeing. That’s the part that I’m in the middle of right now. When I was 24 that’s when I first quit my addiction to drugs and alcohol I managed to somehow get to a good place physcially,mentally, and a bit spirtualy but not emotionally that was my last step. Those first two took a few years. I had to leave my relationship with my bf I got sober with, I had to find people in recovery to connect with. I worked with a natropath that taught me alot about hypnosis and meditation. I started finding a sense of self. My problem is I reached this halfass good place but then I jumped back into relationships super fast because I hated being alone. I may have mentally got better but I hadn’t done the major psychological rehaul I needed like I’m doing this time around. I was young and had to learn the hard way I guess. I had done countless sets of steps on my life traumas that caused my emotional instability but it never got really healed. It takes alot more work than just bringing it to the surface. I wish I would of understood this more back in those days. I wish that the broken part of me wanting to be cared for could of just waited for another partner when I was well enough but I just hated being with myself that much. There is an insane amount of truth about healing the broken parts of yourself before you let someone into your chaos. Unfortunately that fidgety avoidance brain us addicts have is always looking to avoid so we look to the “love chemical”,especially women. I remember watching everyone of my girl friends I met in recovery fall off the wagon for some dude. I did the same frigging thing I lost myself to a man not being able to fill that broken void in me. Man that sucks to say but it’s a realization and I’m glad I’ve had. It’s always us strong,independent looking types that try to avoid seeing this behavior. We have this I don’t need nobody bs attitude but deep down that’s a load of crap. That mentality is just a toxic survival trait someone like me creates in my mind to try and show people im not going to be vulnerable on the outside, well really im crumbling into a million pieces internally. I’m still younger and no I have so much for to learn. I feel I’m coming along though and I’m glad I didn’t shy away from therapy because that avoidance would of continued me on a cycle of addiction. It may not be substances,or gambling but I would of found something else to get my dopamine hits from. I’m not going to lie being uncomfortable, and going through this ” emotional regulation” process f*cking sucks. But it’s necessary and some people never get to this point in life so im really grateful and lucky to have this strength to do this for MYSELF.
