Yesterday I had my counseling session. And he asked if I’ve thought about gambling since I stopped. The weird thing is I haven’t. There was a few times in the beginning when I first quit where gambling was more recognizable everywhere kind of like when you buy a new car and start seeing the same one everywhere you go. What I mean is my ears would perk up hearing people talk about sports betting even though that wasnt my thing, or watching friends buy lottery tickets, and even just being more alert seeing the ads all over tv. I quit around Christmas time and i was sitting at my exs sisters and every second commercial was a gambling commercial I was like wtf is going on here. When I think about when I was gambling it was weird being in that compulsive place where I just could not stop but almost immediately the moment I decided to change I really flipped the off button in my brain. It definitely helped that I pushed really hard to resolve why I was gambling in the first place. But also cutting those ties with being roped in by the casinos. Those asshole feed off vulnerable people. I’ve wrote about it before how they actually employ psychology based professionals to analyze the behaviors of there players and how to get them to continue playing. Because I was so emotionally broken in that period I literally was a walking bullseye. When the brain is that depressed it does some messed up shit to try and find those happy chemicals. I still have alot of work to do in my therapy and I’m definitely trying my best. Every week I go to my session and do my stepwork with my sponsor to. My life is getting better slowly and there definitely are good and bad days but thats just part of being human. I’m just learning still how to deal with my feelings and emotions. I hate crying I feel like a wimp everytime I do it. Yesterday during the processing part of my emdr I started balling my eyes out and I got mad and said to my counselor why the f*ck did the creator decide to make us “leak” from our eyes its so retarded. Lol I was instantly defensive to being that vulnerable. I was doing processing about my last post and losing my partner to his brain injury. I got angry and deflected immediately saying imagine being severed from your wife and losing that connection and how painful it is. I dont even no why I said that I was just trying to make him understand how much pain I was in with that moment. It definitely made me realize how much connection to another human being signifies. It’s the reason I avoided it all my life. I never wanted to experience this form of pain ever again. The day my mom died when I was 11 was the day I decided I’d never let myself get close to people again. I had that connection with my grandma though and when she died about 4 years ago now that’s when I started going down hill mentally. She was the only person who could hug me and I would reciprocate without being a cardboard cutout. I flinch everytime someone tried but her. I no why I do this its related to my CPTSD from past physical traumas mostly and not trusting anyone in my bubble. I got alot of work to do thats all I no. Recovery is exhausting.
