For some reason I decided to do my research about impulse control issues. Ultimately that’s what this behavior addition can be categorized in. My brain never shuts off so I’m always looking for answers to things. I guess I woke up one more and decided ok why the heck can someone like myself decide to end up in constant addictive cycles. I no I had the cards stacked against me since I was born. My biological father who I don’t no actually no was a severe addict addicted to heroin and my mother had addiction issues and bipolar disorder. I dont tell people this ever but my parents met in a psychiatric ward lol I was kinda doomed from the start. And I guess im writing it out to finally stop hiding that shame that I had no control over. Basically what I understand is genetically,biologically, and environmentally I was set up for my brain to be in a state of chaos and disfunction. In turn I ended up with severe impulse control issues. I suppose I’m learning to forgive myself more for what I’ve done out of understanding myself better. Im not trying to deter from taking responsibility for my own actions at all I just want to sometimes figure out why my brain goes to destructive places so that I can try to at least fix those issues. I obviously new I had issues young that’s why I got away from drugs and alcohol 10 years ago. I guess I thought i had my psychological dependence to thing licked but my damaged brain has decided that’s not the case.I new the moment this addiction got bad that I had become to complacent and let my recovery guard down. I remeber seeing people after 10 years go out in my NA program and I never thought it would be me. I still never used drugs or drank again thankfully but to me gambling destroyed me worse in my short stint with is then the substances ever did. Probably because I’m 34 now and had worked towards more in my life to lose. But I can’t look back at this massive mistake in my life I have to continue to move forward which I am. I have 122 days gamble free and I’m really grateful for that. It’s alot of work and it’s not something you can avoid you get what you put into it. Im still clean from all addictions and behaviors right now because I’m not willing to run from my impulse control issues I’m facing everything dead on and constantly trying to remind myself to not let my guard down.
