Today I finally got let out of my cage. I ended just spending the day with my ex as we’re all we have for family where I live. It’s always just been us two unless we traveled like I was supposed to for Easter. We had alot of postive conversations about what went wrong in our relationship on both sides and reached a mutual understanding of the pain we both inflicted on each other. We are no where near getting back togeather as he still needs to get professional help for his brain injury which he agreed to do after he finishes a set of steps. I also have alot of work still to do and am working on my stepwork to so its important for us to make sure we don’t rush into the relationship again. I’ve seen way to many people relapse and get taken out again by relationship issues and breakups. I don’t want that to be the case for me nor do I want the relationship to overshadow my early recovery days. It’s easy to get stuck in that honeymoon faze and forget that you have issues as they always come back full circle if there not mended. For me to reach this level of maturity and also not push for a relationship is huge. As I’ve never lived alone I’ve had a bf since I was 13 and I lived with everyone of them including the one when I was that young. I no that I deserve this time alone even if me and him still spend some time together it’s not everyday and I don’t blow up his phone either I’m not that type. I feel that it’s important to remove the codependent tendency that comes from being an addict. I need to learn to find comfort and safety in myself. I’ve never felt safe except with him but then that faded once he changed from his brain injury. I told him I need to find my safe place within myself and it’s going to take some hard work and time to still do that. My physical safe place was my grandmas but since that sold I need to find it internally instead of from a material possession as those never last as I’ve now realized. Being an addict makes it hard for me to feel safe with myself or even trust my own self for that matter but I no that with a strong spiritual outlet I can get there I just have to build a stronger connection to it which is what I’m attempting through doing my cultural approach to stepwork
