Thankyou for sharing your gratitude list kin. It makes me happy to see that. My sleep cycles super messed up so I’m wide awake in the middle of the night wanting to share some things I came across today that I think are extremely valuable to people like us in recovery. I was outside getting fresh air and I had left youtube on my TV it started automatically playing a tedtalk I hadn’t selected which was bizarre. It was a woman talking about the power of vulnerability lol. Anyways I had to watch and replay this video 4 times to really absorb what she said. She started out by talking how vulnerability is just shame,guilt, and fear. And shame is just disconnection. And for many we avoid vulnerability because of not wanting to feel those things. Most of all not feeling worthy of connection. Talk about ringing bells for me. She said so we decide to numb those things associated with vulnerability. And you can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing out other affects and emotions like joy,gratitude,and happiness. And then we end up miserable looking for meaningfulness and purpose. And then we are vulnerable. And it becomes this dangerous cycle. She said one of the things we have to think about it why we numb out. It doesn’t just have to be addiction we also can try to make everything uncertain certain. And out of that we end up in this need for perfection. She finishes off by saying we need to allow ourselves to be seen,be vulnerable. And with that we find gratitude and joy instead of catastrophizing what might happen by being vulnerable.
I definitely feel like I’ve come a long way in this area I’ve exposed myself more than I like but I no its nessicary in order to establish connection because ultimately that’s what all us humans are looking for. Even when we don’t want it because we don’t feel worthy of it most likely because of how we grew up or something that’s happened in our life to make us feel that way. Having an addiction definitely brings alot of shame(disconnection). But knowing or allowing ourselves to feel like we’re worthy of forgiveness and connection is truly the only way to really heal. I no that’s what I’m finding anyways. And it starts by forgiving ourselves,being honest with our loved ones, and doing the work necessary to undo past traumas that keep us trapped in the horrible cycle of tying to numb our vulnerability. Lol rant over this is what being stuck in isolation does to me but at least it’s a positive message lol.