Jcp, I am sorry that I did not reply earlier as I had missed your post all together. When i read your post it was like I had wrote it myself. With the exception of stealing my moms credit cards, which wouldn’t have worked since they were usually maxed out anyways, your story resonates strongly with my behavior. I, too, would get the calm afterwards because I was sure now that I would be in control. It is easy to be in control when the emotions that keep you there are stronger than the urge to gamble. I, too, would make lists and projects and think that I would be improving, changing, growing, now since I decided to quit. It was always the final straw. I, too, would relapse a short time later at my phone or computer with no warning. It’s like I was in a trance. Then the excitement of depositing a small token amount to see if I could hit on it would take over. After that, all hell would break loose and there would be no stopping me.
You are right as well, that getting help when you dont want anyone to know is tough. I have a grown daughter at home and would have difficulty explaining where I was going as I dont do anything outside of work and gamble at home ( 31 days gamble free, but it was my behavior) . I cant even do video conferencing or phone interviews because my daughter has an ever changing schedule that I cant anticipate so alone time at home is hard. I find that this forum is my only place to go and hearing others stories, like yours, helps me to identify the issues and signs. If you want the best advice that anyone will offer you at this point, it is gamban (or the version offered where you live). I was not even remotely successful for any stretch of time until gamban took control of my devices and limited my ability to gamble at home. I, fortunately, do not live close to a casino so land based are not much of a temptation, but I have many devices upon which to ruin my life. If you start by limiting your options you will make it easier to abstain in the moment, and self excluding from land based will make it harder for you to go (since if you get caught and arrested you would have to explain to others the situation) . Put as many barriers in place so that your resolve can stay stronger in times when your brain no longer can help you . I hope that you are well and gamble free today.
