Hi Daniarchie
I suspect that you are right that your husband is finding fault with you for a reason. It is quite common, however, for a gambler to try and put the blame for his own poor behaviour on the person who loves him most, thereby off-loading responsibility. In other words (and I think you have already understood this), if it’s your fault, then it isn’t his and he doesn’t have to do anything about it. If your husband accepts responsibility for his actions then he will be admitting he is out of control and he isn’t ready to believe that – at the moment.
It is easy to misread a gambler. Many people have thought their spouse has a mistress. The anger and intolerable behaviour that you describe is likely to be as a result of his gambling and thinking of him leaving you, or you leaving him, is not helpful to either of you.
It is hard to talk calmly when there is an addiction in the room with you. Many people liken it to having a beast in the corner of the room, constantly listening and looking for an excuse to roar. Maybe if you could imagine such a beast, it will help you find the right words to keep the beast quiet whilst saying how you feel.
Your husband’s moods are also a consequence of his addiction. When he has money and is ready to gamble, he might be calm, happy, excited even, willing to talk and co-operative but when he has gambled and inevitably lost (because that is the nature of the addiction beast), then he will be depressed, angry and unable to think logically or reasonably.
Your husband did not chose to have an addiction, there is probably nothing he would like more than to gamble without all the accompanying moods and failures.
He can change Daniarche, he can learn to control his addiction and live without it ruining his life. He can be the man he wants to be, the man you married. He has to want to do it and it takes courage and determination but I am only here, writing you because I ‘know’ he can do it.
It is often said on this site, whether it is gamblers or loved ones, that when everything has been tried and nothing has worked – it is time to try something else. Telling him that his so-called bookie ‘friend’ is no good will not help; he believes this bookie will make his world turn right again. I am hoping you can gently point him towards the support that will help him to understand what the bookie is really doing to him and why. We have a fantastic gambler group, facilitated by Charles, who will understand your husband in a way that you and I cannot. Charles has lived in control of his addiction for many, many years and he gives his time to supporting others who are struggling to make sense of what has happened to them.
Maybe, when your husband is calm and receptive you could tell him that you have sought help for yourself because you want to understand. Maybe you could ask him to pop into one of Charles’ groups where he will be welcomed and understood. Nothing you have told me has not been heard before but your husband cannot know that, he probably believes that nobody can understand him – apart from the ghastly bookie.
There is a Friends and Family group tomorrow evening, Thursday, between 19.00 – 20.00 hours UK time. It is safe, it is private and we could communicate in real time which if often the best way.
Velvet