I became really irritable at the end of my work day today. The foreman running the job pissed me off with his lack of direction and communication all day and I left feeling really pissed off. He was being rude to me before I left so I began to get my back up and I was about to snap on him but I tried to hold my tongue and just left feeling irritated. My head starting doing circles on my way home about my career choice as I’m starting to question whether it’s a good fit for me anymore. I worked hard to earn my place and my wage but it’s just such a toxic environment alot of the time. There’s alot of this negative talk about each other behind each others back and everyone seems to no better than the other so there’s alot of control issues and egos that make it frustrating. I’m trying to find healthy balance in my life and I’m definitely finding my work is starting to get to me in terms of being unhealthy. I new trades were chaotic and full of addiction and yet i still chose to do it for the good paychecks. one guy shows up half wasted most mornings yelling his face off at the younger foreman for not doing his job right. It’s just irritating and causes the foreman to snap because he feels threatened then snaps at me because the older drunk sets off his trauma of having an alcoholic dad so its a merry round ride all day long. The other guys on our crew rarley show up so it puts us behind and adds more stress to the situation. I no im doing my best but my perfectionist mindset takes over that I’m not good enough if I make a simple mistake or when I get criticized for something thats not my fault. I’m not good with people that try to use aggression and negatively with me I just crumble. I used to throw shit at my shop foreman because he became abusive with me but I’m trying to just hold myself back when I feel that rage hit like today. I was walking down the stairs well my foreman was yelling at me but I couldn’t hear him because there was someone hammer drilling concrete in the stairwell. I eventually heard him and turned around but I started swearing a bit because I was already pissed when he raised his voice. We both calmed ourselves as we’ve known each other for years and understand one another but I still felt off and uncomfortable I dont even want to go to work tomorrow but I no I need to face these guys head on and just let tomorrow be another day. I have to really work on my reactions to the negativity and try to go to some meditative place when the toxic behaviors of everyone comes out. I almost need a safe word lol. I used to say Mufasa from lion king because he tells simba remember who you are. Looks like I’m going to need to have that word on automatic redial in my brain at work from now on.
