I’m trying so hard to stay positive right now. I dont feel like writing or expressing anything right now but I no need to. When I clam up and feel like isolating my thoughts is when I start to get into a bad place. I don’t feel like gambling I haven’t thought about it at all actually in along time. I don’t miss it. It ruined me as a person that’s all I no. And I never want to go back to that dark place again. The fact that I’m still trying to deal with the mess I made for myself is enough for me to never want to escape my pain again. I dont like feeling pain and sadness but I no its nessicary and a part of life. I’m doing relatively ok considering my life is all over the map. Even though I hate being alone I’m adjusting everyday to it. If anything there’s less drama and toxic bs at the end of the day. My counselor tried to remind me that I’m not going to be alone forever its just for now. Of course my brain goes to who the hell wants to be with a recovering addict who has been hooked on drugs/alcohol/ and gambling. Even though its been 10 years since i drank or did drugs I still feel like a defect.Talk about every read flag there is. Plus my lifetime of trauma is a another steer clear sign to some people. I literally have a do not enter sign attached to my forehead lol or that’s how I feel sometimes. I get told I’m a good person or that I’m pretty, skilled,smart but I have a hard time letting myself believe any of that. That’s why I’m trying to really hard to work on my self confidence. I want to be able to say those things to myself and believe it. I can say I feel I’m intelligent but I keep going back to how does a smart person throw away there entire life to a bullshit addiction and then I have to fight with myself and say because I was in so much pain inside that I just blew a head gasket literally. I’m human I made a horrible life choice but I no that I’m going to be better in time I just have to patient with the process.
Today I’m grateful for being resilient. I’m grateful that I have the strength to keep pushing through the hard times. I’m grateful for the ability to see changes in myself and what I need to work on.