Today I struggled with intense sadness since I woke up. I’ve cried about 20 times today. I was supposed to visit a friend but she cancelled last night. I try to keep my weekends busy seeing people because I get really intense depression by myself. I’ve always hated being alone that’s why I’ve always had a relationship. At first I could barely get dressed I started to feel really debilitated and started hating myself for this addiction and how its ruined my life. I got into the pitty pot really hard. But I new I had to get myself up and not stay like that. I walked my dog and pushed myself to go shopping for the week. When I got home though the feelings started again. I dont no how to not feel lonliness its super intense and painful. I guess I have to just go through it. I can’t go running to my ex as nothing good has become of it so far. I just end up feeling hurt everytime were near each other so I dont want to be near him. He told me to visit this weekend but I didn’t want to put myself through the pain of his cold demeanor it just makes it worse for me. I rather struggle through today in my difficult feelings. I guess I haven’t reached the part when your single and happy being alone yet. Hopefully soon I’ll learn to be happy on my own. I’m definitely trying my hardest but my emotions and feelings have a mind of there own. Things are starting to open up more where I live so I can hopefully start some hobbies. I want to take a deep sea diving course to get certified so thats a goal of mine. And the gyms just lifted the mask mandate yesterday so nows the time to go back training. There’s alot I can do where I live I just have to learn to be ok doing things alone which I’m got no choice but to be ok with.
Today I’m grateful for pushing myself despite how I feel. I’m grateful for my dog as he keeps me company when I’m struggling. I’m grateful for another day free from addictions