Today I got this super overwhelming feeling. I’m really anxious all of a sudden my life’s so up in the air right now that I literally have no idea what’s going on. I’m trying my hardest to just let the creator take the wheel since when I try to take over I tend to crash the car into the ditch lol. Being in constant chaos has become so ingrained in me that I almost anticipate some kind of bs to happen. Right now the tenant will not get the stuff out of the cabin im moving into he’s severely ill mentally and has the worst hoarding problem I’ve ever seen. There’s stuff everywhere still he was supposed to be out months ago and then finally by the 1st but still isn’t so I’ve had to cancel all my plans for moving this weekend which is really frustrating. My aunt won’t deal with him as there’s not much you can do about a tenant not being compliant. She’s left everything up to me to deal with this guy which makes it harder since I’m a threat to him taking over his place and causing him to throw away his hoarded possessions. I’m trying my hardest to have compassion and just let go and wait it out the best i can. I just really want to be settled and make a new safe place for myself. I have no water so I’m feeling pretty vulnerable. I have access to a daily shower and get pots of water but it’s not comfortable. I started to get angry at myself because if I didn’t gamble away most of my money I probably would of had my own house by now or at least still be looking for one to bid on. I can’t go back to those thoughts though because I can’t change whats happened. I really have to stay focused on the postives when life throws unknowns into the mix because that’s when depression and my addict brain wants to escape. I have zero desire to gamble I haven’t thought about it at all which is really good and shows me that my brain has become healthier and gotten out of that relentless painful experience I was in for the last few years. So today even though I’m in a bit of a F it mood I’m grateful that I’m not living on the streets. I do have a really nice trailer to live in with heat and im able to cook ect. I can still have hot showers and get water for stuff next door so I’m not screwed totally. I’m grateful that I have a good job and can afford to live well without struggling. This is why I write things I’m grateful for so that it helps me to get out of my roller-coaster brain.
