Oh, what a horrible day I had yesterday. I am so happy that it is over and a new day is starting but I am still left with the lingering of failure and despair. Work is what started my gambling and its what continually keeps me on a constant state of “triggered” . I hate my job so much that I cant even begin to Express it. In terms of trauma, I have been violated in the many ways by the people I work with. It’s not a physical violation. It is mental. It is emotional. It turned me into someone I thought I would never be. I have worked for the same company for 30 years and loved the first 20. It was who I was. I was incredibly dedicated and loyal. I worked 6 days a week every week for over 20 years. Sometimes even 7 days. Then, new management took over and I lost it all. They treat people like crap. They backstab and humiliate. They took from me what it meant to be a good employee, which is the feeling of dedication and satisfaction. I really despise the people I work for and with, for the most part. I took a new position in 2020 because I thought it would get better. The manager there promised me the moon and I gave up all of my comfort and seniority in my department of 28 years to go there. I am faced daily with miserable misogynistic ×××holes that try to make my life hell. Upper management is little help because they tried to fight the transfer and am happy I am miserable. It triggers me every day. I know that I could leave but why should I? I have retirement around the corner and dont feel like starting over somewhere else. I faced a horrible day yesterday because the manager changed my schedule without notifying me and I was late because of it. Then I was assigned a project I have no knowledge of because they have not updated me on it in the past month. It was a hard day and I face them today. Again they changed my schedule for today but I will be ok and on time since I knew to check. I need to develop a thicker skin regarding my work but it is taking time. I need to look for other things to help identify who I am and what I want to be important in my life now. I did not gamble yesterday although I had opportunity. I am getting better. I have to hang in.
