Money is the root of all evil they say and I tend to agree. I didnt gamble until I had some “to spare”. You see the depravity and decadence of those who have it at the casinos. It also is a life saver and i know those with money who do a lot of good with it. I guess it just all depends on how you let it affect you. I have never really had a whole lot of it and come from a family who struggled on and off for years due to various crises in our lives. We value it, save it and do not worship it. I understand how you may be feeling some sort of loathing towards the concept since its use is what got you hooked- like a drug, but it is our own warped sense of value that put us in the position to abuse it. I have more loathing for the casinos and the online sites for preying on those who have it than the actual money itself. I see that you are stagnating in a dark place at this point. You need to find something that gives you the hope that comes with being victorious. While you have never really beat an addiction, you have been victorious over many battles in the past and are continuing to do so daily. Life is a journey. The sites on your journey can be beautiful if you choose the right side of the car to look out of. You are looking out the window which shows you nothing but pain and anger from your past. That should be the rear view mirror. Always glance at where you’ve been so that you keep ahead of it, look ahead at what might be on the horizon so you are prepared for what’s coming, and most importantly, make time to see what you are in, slowing down to enjoy the beauty that is all around you. If you keep your eyes on the rear view too much you miss what lies all around you, and you will never have enough time to respond to what’s ahead until it’s too late. My past was a horror as well. Not like yours, but still a horror. I guess my strength was never letting it stop me from seeing what could lie ahead and I always took time to enjoy the life around me. It may also have been my downfall because I may have never truly dealt with some of the things that happen to me, and I am now trying (without much success) to fight my addiction. Perhaps you have to stop and see life for what it truly is. Your seeing it as a battle that you cannot win unless you conquer the demons of your past. You are in battle mode fighting memories. That is exhausting because you will never change your memory. Make new and happier memories that your mind can fill up on that will outnumber the bad. I know that you are wanting to change the situation you are in, and therapy is good to let you deal with some of the evils from your past that cause you to do things that are not healthy, but it is also not healthy to let those evils control your life now. You should have a long and happy journey ahead. Face it with hope and strength and it will be worth your while. I hope that you are strong and happy today.
