I just saw this qoute that gut punched me so hard. It said, “my only goal is to create a life I dont have to recover from”. Sad reality for addicts is the rest of our life depends on recovery. I pushed myself away from recovery and that’s why I’m a gambling addict. There is no ” not recovery” in my life I will always have to pursue it because I’m am addict. I met with my sponsor and her husband today. They both tried to help talk me through my grief. My sponsor told me that my partner is no longer the right person for me. Shes ran into him a few times and told me he’s not the sweet man he once was she said she felt like he had a demonic presence to him for along time. I thought it was just me feeling that way but she said she felt it to. His head injury mixed with being a dry drunk changed him. My addiction to gambling started after I found out about one of my abusers harmed another girl I blamed myself for not putting him in jail. He ended up getting off his sexual assault charges. I couldn’t cope that I let this girl suffer to so I started gambling to escape and punish myself. At the same time my partner was changing he wasn’t able to help me through the pain I was feeling. When we were in Vegas where i first gambled he left me in the middle of the streets by myself for no reason. He just snapped and bolted through all the people and never came back to find me. I was terrified men kept aroaching me as I stood on the side of the street scared not knowing where I was. They treated me like a hooker as I was dressed up for an Aerosmith concert. My partners brain injury or something got set off by all the noise and people and he just lost it. He became cold,angry,distant the whole trip. I felt lonely so I’d go sit at the slots while he was up in the room. That’s when my brain triggered the escape reality response. I found something that took me away from the lonliness and sadness I felt with knowing he was no longer him anymore. Knowing where this started is the hardest part and it’s painful of all hell to realize.
