I am so sorry to hear of your relapse as I just did as well and share in your feelings of shame and disappointment. It is funny to me that after I gamble, and lose it all of course, I cannot stand to see commercials on t.v. about any sort of finances, banks, savings or investments. I feel so targeted by them, like they are pointing out what a failure I am. My feelings toward everything to do with money and family are heightened for day afterwards. People I dont like seem to be more obvious to me, as if they know and are snickering at me. The shame can do weird things to your mind. I am sure that when you relapse as well all things must look at their worst, much more obvious and dark. Take a few days to readjust your mind so that what you have done doesn’t cloud your perception of reality. If you feel that you are now truly at your rock bottom at this point then “rise like a Phoenix from the ashes”. There is no reason why you cant be that success story that we all hear about. You are only 30 and have so many years left to fill with success. Why not make this the point where you mark ground zero and really see what you can build? If you feel that you can’t get any lower than the only way to go is up. That in itself should be a call to your sense of self preservation, a call to arms as it is. You can always make it so you dont lose everything once you start your way back by limiting your access and putting limits on how much cash you have access to. I dont put all of my money in the bank so I cant use it online. If I am at the point where i am going to be tempted i dont deposit a cheque until i am past the point where i will spend it all. Put money into an account where you dont have a bank card to withdraw it. There are things you can do to make it harder for you to gamble. Start a new system to do that instead of gamble. I, too, am at the day 2 mark but am not defeated quite yet. I had 6 really good days. I am determined to mark my 7th this week and am going to be extra vigilant to make sure that I can do so. There is nothing that we can do but try again. If we give up even trying then we are defeated. If we keep trying then we are fighting. Which one would you rather be?
