My husband messaged me asking if I needed help this weekend. I lied and said no. I truthfully just want to be away from him. He asked for a separation so I really just want that separation. I no he’s lonely and so am I but having akward and surfaced contact with each other is not good for me. Its close to vday so I no its hard for us both. Lonliness is the biggest reason alot of people relapse. But I refuse to be that statistic. Going and hitting a button on a merry go round ride that’s just going to make me feel like shit after is not worth the high for me. I don’t want it I just want to learn to actually feel the emotions I’m having so that I don’t push them down and repress them more. I’m sick of being emotionally null and void. I have to learn to feel lonely and be ok with it. I have my dog, my friends, family I can phone. I don’t need a man to fix my heart I have to do that myself. He nos that to thats why he left. My heart was already broken from all my other pain and loss. I had no ability to really ever let another human in. I feel like I surface love people but don’t truly connect with them the way I’m supposed to. Its my armor and untill that is shed I have to be alone. As Rupaul says if you can’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else. Lol I just qouted a drag queen but I love that guy he’s creative,admirable,and nos who he is. I aspire to be that person myself one day. I’m working on it one day at a time
