I’m an early riser. The thoughts that go through my mind as I wake are unbelievable. If I have had a good day the day before I wake with energy and enthusiasm that many find annoying. I tackle the day like it’s my mortal enemy. I can achieve an unbelievable amount of work and still work 2 jobs. Then, when I’ve had a bad day, I cant even get up. The day is too much. I dont finish anything. I have found mysel calling in sick to work or being incredibly late because I’ve started gambling in the morning and cant stop. It’s not until it’s all gone that it’s over and then my next few days are hell. I want to ride the wave of enthusiasm that I have when I dont gamble but just as many of us do, i let my brain start to think about it. I get the “lull”, it’s the relaxed feeling that i get when i gamble, and i dont get it anywhere else. My mind teases me with it and then i go looking for more. I know all of the cues. I am able to avoid it at certain periods by not going directly home after work or leaving the house to go shopping. My phone is my enemy. I have installed blockers on it but accidentally found a way around it and it cant be blocked anymore. I am starting my day two. I have been up for hours and am strong in my resolve TODAY. I am working job #2 today,which I took for the money and to get me out of the house on the days that I am not working job #1. The next 4 days look good. I work job #1 each day so that I have no opportunity to play if I don’t let myself slip first thing in the morning. I have self excluded from all the sites I am on. The issue will fall on day 5, friday, when i am off of job #1 and maybe job #2. Its usually then that my resolve dissipates and i find myself wanting to “relax”. I know that i am fine today, which i guess is all that we can really strive for, one day at a time, but i am looking ahead to the sink hole that gets me each week, friday, and hoping that i can find the strength to mark a 7th day as free of this week.
