I was just thinking as I was going through some stories on here of a documentary I watched on Vegas.It showed homeless people living in tunnels underneath the casinos. The majority of these people being interviewed were extremely addicted to gambling. I never once thought about the fact that I could get to that level in my life. The harsh reality is all it could take is me to screw up one more time and I could be right on the streets. If anything is a wakeup call to me it’s how fast it can take to get to that point in life. I personally refuse to let myself go out that way. I may not have hundreds of thousands in the bank anymore but I honestly don’t care. I really am just happy to finally dealing with the pain I’m in. I’ve been unhappy all my life for many reasons. Even though I’m feeling sad about my separation I’m doing ok. Today I had a random guy in my course give me a hug because he just thought I needed it. This kid is a little player yes and probably sniffed out my vulnerability a mile away but he acknowledged that I was in pain and to be honest noone has ever done that. People are so busy in there own worlds that they don’t take time to really be there for one another anymore. The kid did approach me later and said well if you want to take your mind off things I no someone. I shut that down quick but he actually was good about it and told me he actually was crying in his truck before he saw me sad in the hallway. He said I no I sleep around but deep down I just want to find the girl I want to marry so I get your pain right now. To me even though he was resorting to some sleezy methods we both were able to help each other today by just being real and vulnerable. I’m in school for sheet metal so these dudes Including myself are rough and pretty non emotional sharing people as most of us trades people are. If I was still in my addict mode I would of missed that moment with someone that probably needed it just as much as I did to be heard and acknowledged. I no this scenario has nothing to do with gambling but to me it shows improvement in my ability to be vulnerable and open with someone. That’s how I ended up in addiction again is I was closed up so damn tight with huge walls up around me that I wouldn’t allow myself to feel sad,vulnerable and or express what was going on with me. I most definitely would not hug another human i don’t no well either.Fuck knows I wanted to be this tough girl that couldn’t be broken. I am writing this stuff for myself on here so I can look back at it one day. So whomever reads my novels here I apologize but getting my thoughts out on here is what’s saving my ass right now. I hope maybe me sharing my vulnerable stories can help someone else to.
